You have made it quite clear that your parents made you afraid of masturbation. I think most people are afraid of masturbation because it makes them feel guilty. I think to overcome your guilt and fear you have to experience it and understand it. Understand why you feel guilty and afraid.

I think it is interesting that you left your old boyfriends because they masturbate, and yet you want to be able to masturbate yourself. It seems that you take boyfriends masturbating as a personal offense. Is it because it makes you feel worthless, or because you are envious that they can masturbate without feeling as you do?

I guess it would be important to point out that most people masturbate. There is nothing wrong with it. It is not cheating on your partner or anything. In fact, studies have shown that people who masturbate have more sex and better sex than people who don’t. Masturbation is often important for women, because it teaches them what pleases them the most and and how to experience an orgasm to the fullest.

I think I would recommend that you work your way to masturbation. It seems you can have sex with your boyfriend, so instead of him penetrating you, you could have him use his hands to pleasure you instead. If you are comfortable with that, use your hand to pleasure yourself as he pleasures you. Once you feel comfortable with that, just pleasure yourself in his presence. Maybe have him caressing or kiss the rest of your body as you do it. Once you feel like you can do that, I would have him become less and less involved in your self pleasuring until his presence is no longer required.

Also a therapist, specifically a sex therapist would be very helpful. I think the MOST important thing in this all really is your historical family issues. I think they are the root cause of your problems and it is important to address them.